If you research relationships on the internet or otherwise it is likely that you will find statements that look like that issued by doctors from the North Western Medical Group:

“As humans, the relationships we form with other people are vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing, and really, our survival. Humans have an inherent desire to be close to other people. To connect and build relationships.”

While others somehow try to quantify it, and give you a means to assess your status in life so you can compare your score with a perceived normal range. I am not sure how one can do that meaningfully, or if it can be measured at all.

There is no doubt that relationships are crucial for our existence and happiness. We have not been created to be alone, we are social creatures.

Relationships can be healthy or good, but also negative and destructive, with many degrees in between. I am sure all would agree that in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. In fact, one can say that relationships were never meant to be perfect, and that may be the reason why they are so hard.

Some explain it as follows: “Relationships are hard because they work as mirrors.” In other words, we sometimes are challenged with aspects of ourselves or others which we cannot, or do not want to, either accept or change. As a consequence, we will either walk away from them, ignore them, or fight so as to hold onto what we perceive to be dear to us.

Sometimes, for our good, we need to walk away from certain relationships.

I believe that for a myriad of reasons relationships are never perfect, yet they are the source of great happiness even amid great sorrow. The happiness is a consequence of love of self and others, and it demands that we continuously grow and improve as human beings.

That means that we always need to try to love more and do things better, in other words, improving our character. Relationships are a wonderful means to achieve that. If we view relationships in this light, we are more likely to put more effort into them, so they bear fruit. That is a more constructive way to look at things.

But first one needs to define a goal. A measuring stick, if you like, by which we can regularly examine our words, actions, thoughts, and dispositions against a standard which we set for ourselves, and that standard should be raised over time.

Everyone’s freedom should always be respected, so our measuring stick is never there to measure others, and our goal is only there for us, to try and reach without discouragement, because we may not always succeed at first.

Choosing the goal is the next challenge. People have many life goals. Some choose wealth, some say business success, others choose family, environment… and the list goes on, but these are achievements and not one’s character.

Achievements are good and usually need relationships to reach their desired end. That is not a bad thing, if it is always conducted with a spirit of service, and without hurting others.

Personally, my goal is to become a virtuous person, that is, to grow in virtue, and relationships are a great teacher.

What is virtue? Simply put, it is “behavior showing high moral standards”.  Honesty, courage, compassion, generosity, fidelity, integrity, fairness, self-control, trust worthiness, and prudence are all examples of virtue.

You may think “that is a difficult goal”, and sometimes that may be the case, but definitely it is not impossible. I think the secret is to focus on one virtue at a time, like adding strings to your bow.

To make progress though, I suggest that you need to self-examine, on a regular basis, your measuring stick, and if necessary, make corrections or adjustments. Apologize if you hurt someone. Sometimes, you may need to confide in a trusted friend, or talk to the people in those relationships, all with the aim of improving.

Obviously, every relationship is different. Some, we do not choose, some, are more important, while others may be necessary. Some we value more such as family and friends, but all will contribute to our character and none more than our relationship with God.

Growth in virtue is very rewarding. It can be infectious, and the food for much happiness. I suggest you try it.

I welcome the conversation.